&conversation on (bi)sexuality
Question:
are you genuinely bisexual?
Answer: Hi. Yes I am. let’s elaborate.
Am I genuinely bisexual?
That’s a good question. Genuinely bisexual, as opposed to what I like to call occupational bisexuality. Yes, I am genuinely attracted to women and always have been. Ever since I can remember being a sexual being, my sexual interests have included girls. The first time I made out with a girlfriend I was so young I don’t even dare to say. Then I had a crush on a girl called Anne-Kathrin in school, who was a bit bland but so hot.
My first real sexual experience with a girl was a little later during my first year of college with a uni friend, a blonde South African bombshell named Sue-Anne. And yes, I do realize a recurrence in names here. I never noticed that until now though. Are Annes exceptionally crushable maybe? Anyway, Sue-Anne. Sue-Anne was all the things, all the dangerous things: ridiculously, unarguably, in-your-face-ably hot! And she knew it. And she was confident with it. Blonde, blue eyes, pouty lips, boobs so perfect you were wondering if they were real. And she was funny. Funny, bratty and a little stuck up. Killer combination if you ask me.
Sue-Anne was flirty and always sexually switched on. Or so I assumed. Later I learned it was maybe just with me. I had been putting up with her flirty hotness around me and my then-boyfriend for a while already. So at a party, a little tipsy and quite insecure, I finally took her aside and confronted her. And she confessed to her crush. Her crush on me.
Sounds like the tacky beginning of a porn? Err, yeah, agreed, and it kind of was... It’s still one of my favorite sexual memories. So unscripted. So innocent. So hot. So real.
I was 19 I think and my experience with girls had been limited to kissing at parties, girlfriends, for boys, or at least that was the reason we were hiding our intentions behind. Slutty was okay if you were slutty for boys. I had always been the wildest, the one initiating. Still, these make-outs were never not tame and they were always more for fun and giggles than for anything else or, god-forbid, for more.
Now the girl everyone fantasised about looked at me with her steel-blue eyes, bit her lip, stroked my hair aside, and said “but it’s you, Sofia…it has always been about you…” before leaning in to kiss me. Softly, deeply, for no boy to see and get off on, only for her and me to feel. That was it. No more pretend tameness. We made out there, we made out in alleyways, we made out leaning against cars, trying hard to just get home quickly but failing. Hands everywhere. Then finally falling into bed what felt like an eternity later, hands everywhere still and then some.
I am used to men wanting me. I am used to wanting men. I am used to men taking me. And I am used to taking men. Being wanted by a woman, however, and wanting a woman feels different. Like that want happens on a different plane, a different layer of my soul.
Wanting a woman puts me in touch with other parts of my sexuality. I used to wonder whether I mimic men when wanting women. But I think it rather puts me in touch with a masculine energy already inside me.
Whatever it is, when I am with women I feel pulled to express a stronger, more dominant side. When I am with men I naturally let go and lean into my femininity, my soft and weak side. I like to float and let go and succumb and submit to masculinity and strength, myself being sensual and soft-edged and permeable.
With women, I feel drawn to embody that strength. The idea to give a girl space to submit and let go and be soft and powerless in my hands fulfills and excites me. Being powerful, strong and in control so she may dive backwards into floating and feeling. Women trigger that in me. Their softness, scent, femininity. I am into these kinds of girls. Feminine, delicate, airy.
At least that is how it has been most of my life. But things have started to change a little recently, to expand. I find myself attracted to older, powerful women also. Women in suits, classic looks. Tall with strong features and faces. Helmut Newton would approve.
I believe our sexual interests are a reflection of us and of where we are in our lives and in ourselves.
Or maybe it is all just about dynamics in the end. What energy you are confronted with influences which energy you expose, which part of yourself you express to close the circle. Ying and Yang. Equilibrium.
Maybe we are shapeshifters after all.
We are not just one person, one energy, one sexuality. We contain multitudes. We are fluid beings. Like all of nature, we are ever-changing and reacting and moving to the rhythms we feel surrounded by.
- Sofia
And now, The Weather Report
How I'm feeling: Much better. I was feeling rather low the last few days, maybe summer depression is real? I stop functioning after too many days above 30 degrees celsius. Like a machine overheating I literally stop working. I stop being able to concentrate, move, think, do and that’s pretty exhausting, since moving thinking doing is what makes me happy. But it finally cooled down and I immediately the-opposite-of-unfroze and now I feel good again.
What I am reading: I have finished reading Crudo. So good. Now I moved on to No one is talking about this by Patricia Lockwood. Let’s see.
What I am watching: The Morning Show with Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Steve Carell. Ah, it’s so good.
What I am looking forward to: Going to Paris in July! Hopefully seeing some of my besties there too. Maybe London before and Zurich after.
Have a burning question? About me, you, life, lust?
Every month I select one to answer in chitchat&conversation.
For a proper in-depth one-to-one convo, you may be interested in connecting deeper.