THE WEATHER REPORT: hopeful with a dash of rain
Hopeful with a dash of rain, as in a dash of anxiety, is pretty much my default state. Though usually not in equal parts. The regular split is a large amount of hopeful (optimistic, idealistic, naive(?), excited!) with a small serving of anxiety simmering away somewhere underneath. Recently the split has shifted and I am feeling more anxious than I usually do, for longer periods of time too and it comes back again quicker.
I know what I need to do when I feel funny: take a rest day and only do lazy fun things, no pressure. Go for a run to crank up blood pressure and endorphins. Go dancing, transmute those antsy energy atoms into calm ones if that’s even a thing. I’m no physicist but that’s how it feels.
So yeah, I know what I need to do to ease anxiety: release pressure. Mentally (tricky) and physically (much easier).
Of course, that’s easier said than done and sometimes I fail. Self-care is a skill I haven’t quite mastered yet but I keep practising.
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The introduction of my previous website had a line that went something like this: “I hold hands with pleasure and joy” and it is true. I have always been extremely good at enjoying life and moments, no matter how tiny or irrelevant they may appear to others. The ability to see beauty and feel magic, where most people do not, is one of my character traits I cherish the most. I am so grateful for it. The smallest of moments and (observed) interactions can touch me to the core of my soul. But that also makes me very spoiled. And maybe I am not holding hands with pleasure and joy, maybe I am clutching on to it.
My system is used to feeling plenty of pleasure, plenty of everything actually. And on top of feeling plenty in all the small things, I actively seek out the big things, too. I am what’s apparently called a sensation-seeking HSP (highly sensitive person). Sounds fancy and dramatic, doesn’t it, but it really isn’t. It basically just means I am the human equivalent of an avocado: my comfort zone in regards to internal and external stimulation is extremely narrow. It’s like: too little too little too little - perfect!!! - too much too much too much
timeline of an avocado
So that’s exhausting sometimes. I am always recalibrating, adjusting, fine-tuning, and that takes up a whole lot of battery. It’s like my human-computer system (probably Microsoft, rolls eyes) has some trojan horse or virus running in the background sucking up much of that computing power that is needed for main operations and tasks.
But I also wouldn’t want to have it any other way. I like having the capacity to feel that intensely! A lot of people are taking a lot of drugs to feel as much as I do.
And just as good drugs make you want to do them more often, feeling good feelings makes you want to feel them more often as well, especially when they are felt that intensified. So naturally, I seek out experiences that make me feel good. And when bad feelings keep coming in anyway this is irritating.
But maybe it’s a good thing.
We are not designed to always be happy and high. It’s an unhealthy imbalance. Always happy leads nowhere. As a species, we are meant to evolve and grow and happiness is no fertile soil for growth.
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Reading a book by Olympic runner Alexi Pappas I just learned about The rule of thirds. The rule of thirds was developed by Oregon Track Club Elite coach Ian Dobson and it dictates that you should have one-third of your training feeling good, one-third of your training feeling ok, and one-third of your training feeling crappy. Spend too much time in any of these zones and your training becomes unbalanced. Too much time feeling bad and you risk burnout. Too much time feeling good means you aren’t pushing yourself enough in training.
As with anything in running, the rule of thirds can also be applied to life in general. I am not necessarily an advocate for always needing to push oneself. I think it’s so important to just be and be content with what is (at least that’s what I tell others. Different and much stricter rules apply for me of course). But I’d argue too much (or excessive) time feeling good and you might be hiding from unpleasant parts of yourself and actually risk burnout just as much. No person can be jolly all the time. It’s not sustainable and people who claim to be “always happy and always in a good mood” are people I trust the least.
Okay so I guess I’ll be happy about feeling bad and just hang out with my anxiety for a bit. See what happens.
-S.
*edit: not long after I wrote this my anxiety went down to near zero. So I guess that’s what happens if you hang out with your bad emotions for a bit: once they got their attention they get bored and fuck off.
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