ON sex & minds & Porn
During the past year, months, or however long this has been going on, who’s still counting, a lot of us have been deprived of sexuality, at least of sexuality with others. There’s still solo sex of course, which has great value of its own but I think we can agree that solo sex doesn’t substitute sex-sex, just like sex-sex doesn’t substitute solo-sex. Like breakfast and dinner, humans need both I believe. Maybe not all humans and that’s fine. Apparently, there are people who don’t need breakfast to function either, that’s definitely not me though.
Anyway, so during this time a lot of people’s sex lives have existed predominantly in their minds, which is a bit sad, but also not as sad as it sounds because mind-sex-life can do wonders to real-world-sex-life once real-life-sex-life resumes.
Sure, the best sex is sex that actually happens but daydreaming and fantasizing is a powerful tool and can give much insight about who you are, sexually and otherwise. I truly believe our sexuality is us in a nutshell. It tells you what you are into or curious about, how you relate to others or would like to relate to others but can’t. It tells stories about past present future, blockages and free-flowing power. It tells you what you crave. Maybe what you need.
In our mind, anything goes and if you let your imagination roam freely without shame or judgment it may take you places - hidden (or not so hidden) corners of your soul and psyche that want to be seen.
I honestly believe sexuality can be an incredibly powerful guide. An extension of our intuition and true self if you will. Maybe that is the reason it is so feared and fought by institutions of power?
Sexuality is the number one competition to the institution of religion. And I am explicitly saying “the institution of" because I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion as institution (church, politics, blah) and religion as spiritual practice. But that’s a whole other story, and oh my god (no pun intended) I am so getting sidetracked again!
Let me rewind.
Sexuality is a powerful guide and when we don’t get to have that much sex with other people the fucking tends to happen more in our minds. And in our minds anything goes: ideally, we don’t limit ourselves, aren’t limited by reality, and can explore freely where we want to go, where we need to go, what we are pulled towards and just do as we please, with the emphasis on do as we please! Nobody else’s pleasure to consider but our own. We get to explore how we want to cum, or not. Who we want to fuck and how. What we want to do, see, smell, taste, feel, which sensations we are after, which dynamics. A glory gift box filled with self-knowledge wrapped in orgasms!
Maybe you’re not the fantasizing type. Or maybe life has clouded your mind with that real-life fog so much that desires and sex don’t seem to find their way through. I get it. It’s like when your mind is racing and people tell you just meditate and you’re like I can’t! It’s too noisy in here! Those are the times you need it the most but access seems impossible. In these moments you need an anchor and in regards to sex and fantasizing that anchor can be porn. Yes, really. I know, porn has such a bad rep for being the unhealthy fast food of sex but honestly, I don’t think that’s fair at all.
I love porn. Porn and online banking are two of my favorite features of the internet. If consumed mindfully, porn can give you much insight into your desires and needs. And by mindfully I am not referring to the type of porn you watch but rather to being conscious of what you watch and how (observing your porn-taste but without putting any judgment on it). Then it’s enlightening beyond the cumming! A bit like a magic crystal ball into your subconscious, but less Woo Woo. More Ahhhhh…..
For me, watching porn is like free-writing. Okay okay, wait, you’re probably thinking oh here we go, she’s losing the plot again but just hear me out:
Free-writing is an exercise of longhand pen on paper writing putting down streams of consciousness without editing or judging not even bothering about punctuation etcetera. It’s basically writing down your subconscious. Stuff just appears on paper, your subconscious basically writes itself. You are just the executor and observer and this often gives cool insights. A typical session for me often writes and reads like: blahblahblah, here’s a problem I am dealing with, blahblahblah, here’s the solution to it. It’s pretty spectacular and I recommend it. Okay, but what about porn? Porn. Yes. I’m getting to it.
For me going onto my laptop to search porn is like accessing my sexual subconscious. It’s like the freehand writing session of sex. My searching doesn’t have any pattern or system. I just search for whatever I am craving that very moment. And just like the writing gives me those revelations of Huh! Really? Interesting! I am quite often surprised and fascinated by the porn scenes I chose to search for.
I know some people (maybe it is a guy thing? Feel free to let me know) only watch porn of certain performers or looks or people they have some sort of connection with. In general, I have noticed that men’s porn taste seems to be more driven by visuals and aesthetics. Of course, I also have certain types I find hot, a particular look I’m into at the moment. But that is also constantly changing, just like I am. So yeah, I am very visual too. Still, the kind of porn scene I am craving is 90% driven by my mind.
Sometimes that search is driven by hidden corners of my soul, fragments of my sub-conscious gasping for air.
Other times my porn search imitates a current phantasy so literal, mirroring specific real-life events I have experienced that very day so obviously, that it makes me laugh. And since I search my porn intuitively I never actually know what I will type into the search box before I see the words appearing on the screen. I guess I am a writer through and through: anything in life or in me I figure out through writing, even sex.
So what turns me on you might wonder? Which experiences am I craving? What are my phantasies?
Well, how about I write and find out. And since this is ever-changing and evolving this shall be an ongoing exploration, a love letter to my sexuality if you will (that you are allowed to read, you lucky pervs).
Maybe it’s also a little inspiration. Go and let your imagination and desires run wild! Dare to go off the beaten path! You can always decide for yourself which phantasies are worth exploring in real life if any at all. Your mind is a safe space, maybe the safest of them all.
-Sofia
