thinking out loud: on bodies & types
When asked about their type in the context of dating and sex people tend to state two things first: hair color and body size, the latter usually being slim. Very rarely somebody’s response is “I’m into fat people”, not publicly anyway. And to specify on my word-choice right away: I am using the word fat as a descriptor here, as I would its opposite, skinny, without any value or further meaning. I am well aware that that’s not the case in reality. The word fat is not free of value or meaning. But I am practicing an idealistic use of the word, inspired by big-bodied friends and public figures who are reclaiming the word fat for what it is: a neutral descriptor of size that inherently holds no meaning, neither good nor bad. Fat as in skinny as in tall as in short.
By the way, I happen to really like big bodies. I happen to really like all bodies.
But back to the plot. Oh wait, that is the plot! Okay good, I’ll keep going then.
More often than not people say they are into thin bodies or slim bodies or skinny bodies. That of course they don’t mind big bodies but that big bodies are just not their type. Personal preference etcetera. But to that I say bullshit! Or in more appropriate language: Pardon me, but I don’t think that is true. I doubt you have ever really challenged your preference and I also doubt your preference is personal much at all.
Ok, wait. Hold on. Pause here.
Do you remember the scene in The Devil Wears Prada in which fashion empress Miranda (played by Meryl Streep) explains to intern Andy (played by Anne Hathaway) that her clothing style is not the personal choice she believes it is? That what Andy thinks is her taste is actually the product of professionally engineered opinion-making?
Yeah exactly. You get where I’m going with this. It is the exact same with sex and bodies and dating and types.
There are 1.214 billion people in the western world, 1.214 billion different bodies, yet the vast majority of personal preference for sex and dating seems to be that one very specific body, the one matching your society’s beauty standards.
I have learned countless wonderful things in sex work. But one of my favorite most precious insights is that any body can be fucking hot. And that any body can be very hot fucking. Limiting yourself to considering only very specific bodies to fool around with is silly. The preferences you base those limitations on are likely not even your own, which is even sillier.
One of the most common questions civvies (the muggles of sex work aka non-SW’ers) ask when they hear about my work is regarding client’s appearance: “But what if they are not attractive?”, they say. “What if they are fat?!”
I will never understand this kind of thinking. I will never get used to it. It will never not make me sad.
I try hard not to put people in boxes, I really do, but I am only human after all, and if somebody says “but what if they are fat?!” I will very likely put them in that unfavorable box. I won’t close it, I will leave it open, I promise, but they will have to climb quite hard to get back out, I’m sorry.
Because this question implies that a person who is not thin can not be attractive. It also implies that visual attraction and sexual attraction are the same things, which they are totally not. A person, who, at first sight anyway, I may not find visually attractive can be totally fun to have sex with! And a person who I find visually attractive can be a total bore in bed.
The question also implies that I am so simple-soul’ed that something as mundane as physical stats could ever get in the way of me getting horny for somebody’s energy, smile, scent, soul, wit and style and body language and brains. You get the idea.
Sex and sexual attraction is both, extremely complex and extremely simple.
Looks don’t make a lover.
And just because a person is fat (or skinny) doesn’t mean they don’t know how to fuck.
And sure, we are visual creatures. I am too. Of course, we find a certain aesthetic instantly more appealing. But I challenge you to not stop there. I also challenge you to challenge those aesthetics. Question what is your type and why and ask yourself if this is really your type or your culture’s type that you have inherited and internalized, like so many other opinions, attitudes and preferences we blindly adopt without thinking twice.
I haven’t always been that inclusive.
Before getting into sex work all of my partners were a certain type. I have never really cared much for hair colour or height, but my partners were always slim and fit, without exception. And that wasn’t a conscious choice. No, I didn’t even consider people who had different body types. I didn’t even see them! It is quite absurd really and I must have been pretty brain-washed back then. I guess growing up is not all bad, is it. Maybe it’s actually way underrated. The part where you grow out of false believes is definitely pretty good.
Okay, so the first time I went out of my non-inclusive superficial box was when I hooked up with my professor.
But that was going all out, out of all boxes. Not only was he not my typical slim and fit type, he was also one hundred years old. Fine, he was not one hundred years old. But he was much older. I never asked how much older he actually was. The years I could fathom were already enough thrill, I didn’t need full disclosure. But that’s a story for another time.
So yes, I wasn’t always as inclusive and non-superficial. But entering sex work you agree to a reality in which discriminating against physical appearance is neither smart nor sustainable, in other words: you may have sexual partners that are not your usual type and you should be okay with that. And I was never worried about it really. I have always been a very curious person and curiosity trumps worry most of the time. And it is curiosity that pushes aside superficiality eventually and sheds light on what’s underneath, in life and in people and in sex and in everything that’s worthwhile really.
When you are not lured in immediately by looks you widen your gaze and enter peripheral vision.
I have learned that every person is attractive if you look closely and with all senses. A charming, mischievous smile. Sound of voice, clever use of words and humor. An aura of confidence and calm. Soft lips, alive eyes. Ability to listen or to put an interesting spin on thoughts. Bodies are just packaging really. There is so much more. I have always had a knack for seeing people, I think, but like everything, this too is a skill that gets stronger the more it is used. I seldom see people for what they look like anymore. I feel them before I see them and when I see them that view is already tinted by what I feel and I find that pretty beautiful.
